Short update - I'm alive!

Hello, I want to ensure you, that i'm alive and fine.

A lot of time have passed since my last post. I'm not an often visitor of SL. But last time i was online i was having fun taking parts in gang bangs. And that was very interesting experience. As a fan of humiliation i managed to get several guys with one girl (me) and have some fun animating different positions and acting according to them.
I liked the feeling of abusive usage of my virtual body by several men, getting pleasure from using me. That's really nice. Unfortunately it's very hard to find several good persons to act in the same time. And that was pissing me of sometimes.
I liked it so much, that I was planning to get some virtual gangbang action (threesome at first) with my SO from real life. But there were some problems with understanding foreign languages.

I've got acquainted with a girl, who love RP of being cut as a pig or a cow. She showed me some places in SL, where special devices and animations for that. It seems a bit weird for me, but she likes it. And i was talking about it with her, asking her many questions about what does she like in it exactly. And she told me, she liked the feeling of deep and absolute submission, acting and receiving attitude as a piece of meat. That can be some kind of humiliation i like too. But i don't like blood and making someone dead even in RP.

As for real life, i'm trying to get more and more BDSM in it. The last achievements are: face-slapping, feet worship and my mouth finger fucking. All that humiliates me and get very aroused.

Why i like tease and denial

First, let me say i'm fine. It was quite a long time, since my last post and that time was full of events, but mostly not online. Main direction concerning BDSM is my further moving into setting it up in real life. I have not been online for quite a long and pipped inside SL just to see, if it's still going :)
I've got a RL partner, whom i'd like to control me. It's not that easy to achieve it with a vanilla partner, but i do my best to develop Dom side in my significant other. But let's come back to tease and denial.

Last month or so, i decided to try strict tease and denial in RL. I granted the right to permit my orgasms to my SO and stop from cumming when no one's looking (yes, that's my sin!). The result is really worth doing. And i do like it. The main change is surely in growing libido. The more i denied, the less i need to become aroused. Being teased and denied for a long period of time makes me ready for sexual activity nearly all the time. And what's more, i'm ready to try more and more different things.
For me, the main magic of a denial is in a moment, when you've been close to orgasm, but everything stopped and you are calming down. My sly mind start playing in a game, when i'm ready to do anything, just to have another chance to come to the edge and maybe orgasm. This is the moment, when i can be suggested to try some things, that i would never do previously. Hope some day someone will use this feature of mine for their pleasure.

Another wonderful thing in denial is the exhaustion after a long session, when edged a lot of time, denied all the time, tortured, humiliated (if you were lucky) and finally moved yourself into a state when you are full of hormones and other blood chemistry, like you've had an orgasm, but without actual orgasm. In this state you are laying flat, unable to move, moaning and shaking a bit with a white noise in you head. Extremely wonderful emotions.

On the other hand, when i permitted orgasm, it is good most of the times, but after it i feel some emptiness and some kind of loss and a bit emotionally depressed. And that's another argument for denial for me.

As there are some followers and readers, i'd like to ask do you like T&D and if so, what do you like in it and why? I'll be glad if you share with us.

The smell

Not the one i write about, but alike

Life is still going on. Not so much time in SL, but a lot of efforts to move to real life. Sometime those efforts bring new, sometime strange sensations.
Today i've entered office restroom and stopped. There was a discrete smell of sperm there. We've got several separate rooms, so men and women use the same rooms (but not at the same time :) ). So there can be something just have been done there.
I was trying to sniff the place, where the smell comes from. I did it behind the closed door, but still it seems so silly sniffing here and there everywhere in the rest room.
Unfortunately i didn't found the place with the most strong smell, everywhere is seemed the same. But i was thinking about for the rest of the day.
Later i understood, that it can be a smell from some cleaner or something like that. I think i just must have more sexual attention, to prevent thoughts like that :-)

Hope to write something else soon.

Submitting to a timelock

Working at home I had a big problem of disturbing myself by desire to read BDSM web sites. Sometimes I just couldn't stop myself doing it. It was a big problem, “eating” a lot of my time. So I had to protect myself from my own desire (as there was no one by my side powerful enough to order me).
After some kind of research I've got a filter on my computer to cut out myself from adult sites. It's small and very easy thing to deal with. I'ts called "K9 Web Protection".  It's free and just enough to pull the leash as a reminding. And this post is not about internet security :-)
The filter setup is protected by a password. To have no access to the setup I generate random password (15 characters long) and set it. The image with password I crypt with a Time Lock tool (it crypts images for some time)

So now I set a new password every day, crypt it in the morning for all day to have no access to adult sites during work hours. And in the evening I get the password and can spend some time, reading them. Setting different parameters of the Time Lock can make life easier or harder. One day, for example, random addition to the time made me wait until nearly midnight to have some minutes of unrestricted web surfing.

This scheme seems so good:

1. I have to spend all my time working.
2. The fact of limitation makes me feels submissive during the day, and I really need it.
3. The fact that a dumb computer has a power over me adds humiliation, and that’s what makes it all even more exciting.

What's even more interesting, the scheme (setting an unmemorable password and then crypt it for some time) can easily be added by another person. Other person can set TimeLock parameters, can even keep a key and give it when he decides I deserve it. With some additional configuring a remote person can even has an access to the filter setting directly, so he can change the password and parameters without me even knowing it.

Maybe you can think some other ideas about this scheme? Feel free to share.

PS. Oh, I think I really need someone to submit to. :-)

At the wall...

At first, I must confess and thanks Miss Eve. Her SL training and degradation has some effect in RL on me. Yes, after all those words she told me about me, my nature and my place in SL, somehow my RL perception changed a bit (a bit?). From time to time I feel a need of some RL action and they become more and more wild every time.

I can remember the first anal experiments several years ago. Now it seems I really need something inside my rare. There are many more examples, but today I want to tell about some public actions. I'm not an exhibitioner, so I don't want someone to see me.However a thought about sexual activity in a public place makes me very excited.

I swim regularly. And sometimes locker room and a room with shower cubicles are absolutely empty (but there always a chance for someone to come inside). However there's a WC with a lock on the way from showers to the locker room. That gave me an idea of some semi-public activity I can afford myself.
One day I felt horny and decided to go to the WC room, and has an edge (I'm not permitted orgasms in RL) there. It was wonderfully disgusting and so humiliating: standing there before the toilet bowl and understand that everything you want is to scream and shake in a powerful orgasm and you has no permission for it. I must confess -- I liked that feeling *blushes* *blushes* *blushes*.

Some time later I repeated it once again... then one time more, standing on my knees in the WC room, feeling all  the smells of the room, hearing some people washing and going behind the door, imagine myself abused and forced to do it, feeling myself dirty, small and useless (I hate self mindfucking, but sometime it can give a lot of additional emotions).

Today I was at the pool, as usual. I had no mood for swimming, so it was not like a sport training, but just a peaceful flowing from one side of the pool to another.

I had to stop, put on clothes and move on.

After time was over, I went to the locker room. There was no one there. I felt a warmth of incipient arousal inside me. I was in the locker room and I decided to edge right there. I start pinching my nipples and very soon my breath became hard and quick. I was rubbing myself, trying to be quiet. At some point I made a step back and pushed my bottom to the cold tile wall. To make it even more sensitive, i leaned forward to touch the wall only by my ass. That gave another wave of arousal. I imagine someone's cold body touching my bottom, penetrate me, making me full of lust and desire, without any emotions in himself. I felt myself so disgraced. I looked at myself from the side: heavy breathing, leaned forward, legs spread, ass pushing to the wall, hands rubbing the most sensitive spots with a strong desire for an orgasm inside, ready to fuck anything, including a cold wall to fulfill the need for release. At this moment I had to stop touching myself to prevent orgasm. A quite moan of disappointment came out of my throat, as i understood that there are no touches for me left and I have to put on clothes and move on....

PS. I see a trend of my feelings at the pool locker room and I'm afraid how far will it get.

PPS. Picture source is another blog.

Emotional mix

Today was a very peculiar day (night, to be precise).
Whore had a free day in RL and spent a lot of time reading different blogs, forums about all BDSM aspects. In the evening Miss could came online to see her property. Miss wanted to talk to whore and asked her different question, whore told Miss her SL story (from the very beginning): about her unowned period, about some experience with banishment, and all whore's owners.
After that Miss lead whore back to a playroom. Whore was alone at that moment in RL and asked if she can wear RL clips or even play with herself (that was the first time whore asked permission for playing in RL). Miss was surprised (whore was surprised with her own question too). Miss told whore to put clips and pass course 2 times in a row before it.Whore passed, not for the first attempt, but has passed.

(new course picture)

Miss granted whore a permission to play with herself, but demanded to describe what was going on in RL. Whore offered Miss to guide her in playing and Miss agreed.
Miss started slowly and didn't want to be quick, however whore was already horny. Miss leaded whore telling how and where she must touch herself, how hard and so on. Whore tried to react as quickly, as she could. Miss grins doing it and put remarks like: "It suits you whore" from time to time. That made whore blushing, but very-very horny(RL). Finally whore was rubbing herself fiercely, moaning out loud and humping on her chair. For some RL reasons, (whore limits) Miss can't permit whore to have an orgasm (and whore can't grant it to herself too), that's why whore had to stop herself at the edge.Whore was shaking from desire and lust. Whore wants only one thing -- more stimulation. But Miss Eve told to stop and whore couldn't disobey.
All that was so unexpected, strange, humiliating and at the same time excited and delightful. Miss told whore to pass the course one more time and whore did it reeling from side to side(SL) with shaking hands on the mouse(RL). But whore made it from the first attempt. After that whore begged for some more touchings, but Miss denied and ordered whore not to play with herself one more hour. That was hard for whore and so wise for Miss, as the first 10-50 minutes from the edge are filled with the desire most of all.
After that Miss talked to whore for some more time and discussed what had happened. Figured out, everyone enjoyed the "incident". And that made whore hope for continuation some day.

After logging out from SL, whore thought a lot about what had happened. And how it can effect her RL. Finally whore concluded, that it has positive sides:

1. Whore should be guided and limited in playing with herself in RL and now Miss can do it, if she'd like to, of course.
2. Whore deals better with orders from some other people, then with selfmade decisions and ordered by Miss whore can be more often denied, then before.
3. Now Miss can influence not only whore's avatar in SL, but also RL person and even (oh, God!) make some RL punishments for RL and SL faults (for making whore better property in SL and better submissive in RL).
4. Miss, knowing now much more about whore, didn't move away from whore and seemed even liked what is going on.
5. Miss has more opportunities and directions to develop her... mm... relations with whore.

But there are some negative sides too:

1. Whore has some moral responsibilities in RL and should be very careful not to brake or make harm to them.
2. Whore should now be very careful, as mixing RL and SL can lead to something bad (but can be a way to something very good too!!!)

And now, whore has a real mix of emotions inside: desire to continue and see what will this lead to, fear from unknown and unexpected (but really wanted) RL power exchange.

Old course, new conditions

For the last week whore was rather busy at RL work and has not much time for SL. Nearly the same Miss Eve had. Whore still can't overcome her desire to train passing the course Miss build.But today whore tried to motivate herself for better performance.
First whore wants to tell, that she feels herself really horny due to some RL reasons. And an idea flashed in whore's head, while passing the course -- add some RL addition to push whore make course without mistakes as much times in a row, as she can.Whore likes a mix of pain and pleasure, and she saw 2 clothespins, that's why whore decided to put them on her nipples and play a game with following rules:

Thanks for a picture to this blog

1. Whore will wear clips, until she will pass course without mistakes for 4 times in a row.
2. For every mistake whore will squeeze her breasts with clips (that really hurts!)

For the first several mistakes whore had to hurt herself and start to count passes from the beginning. Finally whore managed to achieve her goal and get clips off.

That made whore so excited and aroused, that whore couldn't stop herself from telling about it to Miss Eve and ask her to include RL clips into some SL actions. After very intent look, Miss agreed.

PS. for the last week whore added herself 1 extra pass to every goal. Last time whore had to go 8 passes in a row (starting countdown once after a failure on the 6th pass).